he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
