My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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