OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
