he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
