You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
