fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
