last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
