i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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