I have demons in me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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