I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
