Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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