Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
