end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Houston, we have a blender
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
