Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
