Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
