he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize