I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
