I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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