It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
