I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
