You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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