I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
