Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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