I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
