I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
