3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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