he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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