if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just found puke in my bra..
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
