someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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