I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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