he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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