Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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