you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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