I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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