My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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