Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
