Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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