Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
