i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
