I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
