i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
