you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
