i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
