If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
50% drunk capacity currently
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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