i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
