I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
