I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
