he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
