that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
