He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
