He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
