I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize