College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
