he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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