We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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