Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
