just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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