I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
