I could make wine with my vomit
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
