If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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