I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
