hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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