i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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