All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
