please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
