it wasn't lemon gatorade
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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