My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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