We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
